Generally speaking, I give opinions and news on movies, technology, and funny things that deserve my sarcastic commentary, but this time I’m getting down with my “Dear Abbey” side and dishing out some advice for you 18-30 year old people looking to settle down and get hitched! To prevent an ensuing flame-war and hate mail, I am being sensitive and mostly serious, but I’m sure even you most serious people out there can at the very least smile and relate to one of the things I touch upon…
To get a few not so obvious things out of the way I am not:
- a jaded keyboard jockey who has never had a girlfriend
- a jaded widow, or someone left at the altar
- an orphan
- a product of a bad marriage
- an “uggo” who lives with his mom
- currently seeing anyone (HELLOOOOO LADIES)
The Cold Hard Facts
There are thousands upon thousands of reasons to get married, as well as reasons not to get married. I’m here to tell you my opinion on why it may be the best idea for you to at the very least wait awhile.
That is an absolutely STAGGERING number to comprehend. Look at the person next to you, if they get married they’ll probably get divorced. If not them, YOU probably will.
Bad Excuses to Get Married
I once had a friend of mine who was about to get shipped off to Iraq, and he was planning on asking his girlfriend of two years to marry him before he left.
“Cool.” Was my first response… YEA RIGHT. Not only had he been on again off again with this girl, but she rarely let him make decisions on his own, she never let him leave the house to hang out with his friends, she was diagnosed with bipolarity–you get the picture. I had lived in a different state for several years at the time so I figured maybe things had cleared up a bit. I hadn’t received any late night phone calls about how much of a b**** she was so when I asked my friend what made him decide to pop the question this is what he told me:
You know, I just couldn’t imagine her cheating on me or being with any other guy.
Are you kidding me? So your reason for marrying her is cause you think it’ll prevent her from cheating on you and you can’t imagine her with any other guy?! Yea, apparently that was his reason. It’s not the worst excuse I’ve ever heard, (I once had a friend who shall remain nameless who jokingly said it was to get more sex. Was he really joking though?) but I can imagine that’s just one of the many reasons people get married.
Half Yo’ SHIT… Gone!
This one’s easy, get married, no pre-nuptial agreement. Goodbye half your stuff. Doesn’t matter if she hasn’t worked a day in her life and you paid for everything. That means house, car, dog, kids, clothes, furniture, EVERYTHING. (Even the computer I am working on right now!)
People Change
Think of how you were ten years ago. I lived in the suburbs with my parents, and was in middle school desperately trying to make the school basketball team. I was also trying to break the barrier of being over 5ft tall and over 80 pounds. I played soccer. My favorite thing to do was kickball in gym class. I’d never talked to a girl besides my sisters because I was scared of them, and my favorite show was Saved by the Bell.
Fast forward ten years–I live in Chicago with my dog and two roommates. I work at a marketing and branding agency. I workout at the gym three days a week, run a t-shirt company, sing in a rock band, (the xbox rkind) read political science books, study the ways of disaster capitalists, do car bombs with my friends, ski, and talk to girls WHENEVER I get the chance. That is a HUGE amount of change, and I’ve merely skimmed the surface.
Can you imagine being married to a person who goes through that much change in ten years? You had better because there’s a good chance the cool chick who likes chugging beers with you, and playing guitar hero with your buddies till 4am may only like watching re-runs of Sex and the City while chugging down large quantities of red wine and eating chocolate ice cream after she’s been married to your fat ass for a few years. (Not to mention that the quantity and quality of sex go out the window, I’m sure there’s a source or two I could cite for that fact.)
Typical young guy who thinks he’s “bulletproof”.
But Timmy you’re just a pig and just afraid of committment!
You’re damn right I’m scared, but I’m not a pig? I honestly would love to get married and have kids at some point in my life. I’ve met plenty of girls who my friends have deemed, “keepers”, but how well can you ever really know someone? Usually, after you finally know someone, and I mean you really know someone, you tend to want to move on to where the grass might be greener, and possibly more pretty. I know you married people out there have crushes still. Someone at work? Someone at the gym possibly? Those of you who don’t are lying.
Win the Race to the end of your life!
I have friends who are looking for that next girl that they can marry. It almost seems as if they’re trying to check off a list of items they’ve completed in their journey of life.
- Birth - check
- High School - check
- College Degree - check
- Marriage - check
- Kids - check
- Death… You win!
Hopes and dreams anyone?
I also have friends who want nothing to do with marriage. (Girls and Guys believe it or not) Everyone cites their reasons for why they feel the way they feel and I tend to side with the ones who want to have nothing to do with marriage. Generally that entails having as many experiences, and good times with friends before they feel that it’s the time to settle down and buy a place of their own and start a family.
Unless you’re hopes and dreams growing up were to be a housewife (I actually do know a girl who wants to be a housewife) then I can’t imagine how you could actually have zero hopes and dreams. To name a few you could travel the world, run your own business, get drunk and dance till 4am on a work day (come on party girls I know you’re out there) go out on a roadtrip on a whim, call in sick and goto the Cubs game hammered, get dressed up and goto Midevil Times, wait in line for a week to see Star Wars, max out a character in World of Warcraft (I’ve never personally done this, but I can see where a wife would hinder this process) buy a sports car, race that sports car, hit on a girl on the train, pick up a guy at the gym, goto Hooters or a strip club, goto Vegas for a two night bachelor/bachelorette party, watch weird porn! Do a beer bong, hustle someone in pool, tell a girl your name is Biff Wienerman…
The list goes on and on. Now find me a couple out there who has been happily married for several years who’s done even five of those things on the list I just outlined and I’ll recant and write an entire article about why the reasons to get married young outweigh the reasons to not get married. (Especially waiting in line for a week to see Star Wars)
Mostly with this reason, it’s about respect. It’s harder for married couples to respect each other’s hopes and dreams than it would be for you to just do your own thing if you’re single. No man is an island, but it’s much easier to pack up and leave that island if you don’t have someone there telling you to take the garbage out.
What if you meet “the one” while you’re young?
If he/she is truly, “the one,” then I’m sure they won’t mind taking it slow and letting you have your freedom. If they find someone in the meantime, then chances are good they may not have been the right fit for you. The pickup artists out there call this “one-itis” and they say the best way to get over it is to go out and meet ten other girls and then tell yourself that “the one” is still the one for you. (Actually they say sleep with ten girls, but that’d be hard for most of us normal folk)
Marriage can be okay though… I guess
My parents have been happily married for some 27 years now. I’ve only seen them fight a handful of times, they’re my best friends in the world, and they have the perfect marriage. I, in my opinion, had the perfect childhood. (my sisters both agree) I think there are plenty of couples out there that would make great married couples and I think marriage can be a great and beautiful thing.
The only thing I can say to you boys and girls out there who are considering marriage is to consider a few of the things I have talked about and ask yourself, “Is it me who really wants to get married, or is it a combination of society, my friends/family, and my significant other who want to get married?”
Still shaking your head telling yourself, “nope, that’s not me.” Then go ahead and go for it, but I won’t be here to pick up the pieces for you when it all goes sour, and you can’t sleep on my couch.
